Estos 5 puntos también pueden ayudarte a comprobar si realmente merece la pena trabajar tu relación o para tener la certeza de que estas perdiendo el tiempo. Mi consejo es que utilices estos 5 puntos siempre bajo tu criterio y con una persona que creas que merece la pena.
A relationship that doesn’t flow has the very real possibility of ending. However, relationships which were once fluid can flow again if we leave behind certain habits that can hinder spontaneity, an essential ingredient for flow. Applying these 5 points will improve the flow of your relationship:
1. There are 2 things that directly disrupt the flow in a relationship; asking your partner to do something that they don’t want to do or, to ask them to be someone that they’re not. Making this request is uncomfortable for the person asking, but it is much more uncomfortable for the recipient. Demanding a change kills all of the spontaneity, which is one of the engines of flow in couples. You can expect and demand something from your partner or you can take a leading role. If you have a passive or reactive role, change it to a pro-active one and make good things happen. For example, don’t think that your partner is boring, don´t ask them to be funny; you need to create the circumstances to have hilarious moments, create the conditions to do funny things.
2. Victimhood obstructs solutions. When someone takes the role of a victim, the other person automatically assumes the role of the culprit. The victim doesn’t feel like they’re a part of the problem, so they don´t feel like a part of the solution. Changing from the role of a victim to one that has responsibility breaks the dynamics of the arguments and it facilitates solutions. It is important that both partners act on this point, if not it could just be an exchange of roles.
3. “I feel” instead of “you are”. Since our childhood, we have heard things like you are bad, lazy, selfish … Any “you’re” that we hear in an argument will take us to a defensive position. Saying “You make me feel bad, uncomfortable, useless…” can lead to better dynamics and solutions instead of making judgments like “you’re bad, weird, selfish …” Judgments make us uncomfortable and they create bad feelings that hamper the flow in a relationship.
4. We must put on the “glasses” that our partner sees us and our relationship through to realise what they’re really communicating to us. Maybe your partner is trying to tell you something and you aren’t realizing what they’re saying because they’re communicating it in a different way than what you would. Everyone has a language to communicate affection. By empathizing, we can learn the way they communicate their feelings, if we don´t understand then we will enter into a cycle of disappointment that completely breaks the flow. For example, there are people who are passionate and like to kiss and hug; others convey the same with a single glance.
5. Be positive. You must understand that your partner will not always act in the right way or the way that you are expecting. Understand that your partner will fail many times. There are people who after making 20 good deeds and make only one mistake are remembered only for their failure. Keeping a well-rounded perspective of who the person is makes the relationship flow easier. You should think about what your partner is doing for you and not only about what they haven’t done in a particular moment. Try to globalize rather than point out the acts or omissions. It is difficult to flow when we are communicating only our complaints.
Don’t forget that in a relationship there are 3 parts: You, me and our relationship. If you want to flow, don’t try to change yourself or the other person. If you think that something needs to be changed it should be your relationship.
These 5 points can also help you to realise if it’s really worth working on repairing your relationship or to understand if it’s a waste of time. My advice is to always use these 5 points under your own criteria and only with someone who you think is worth it.